Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Dating Boot Camp




You don’t have time to blog. Oh come on, man. You have a mission. You have to get ready. This is not a beginner’s game. It’s at least the 12,000th time you line up for that ride. 

You need to exude confidence and ooze charm like goo coming out of a rotting body.

Can you at least use better metaphors!

It all started with a victory dance after you hanged up your phone. The person you like and got to known in a biblical sense wants to try the same roller-coaster again. You have like a million things to get right before you join her for another go at the amusement park.

Let me think.

You have to get fitter, younger, nicer, cleverer, and you have about 4 days to complete all that.

Three, four: Confidence!

Last time was easy. You didn’t know each other. You didn’t expect anything. You had nothing to prove. It wasn’t a date. It was accidentally colliding into each other at the bar and then finding your way to the beach just by bouncing around into walls and people.

Things are different now. Dating is a more complex sport. It involves expectations, tact, and finesse while holding the door or ordering freaking shrimps cocktails with the appropriate Chardonnay.

Good thing you don’t believe in the “be yourself” philosophy. Being yourself is the last thing you want on that menu. When is the last time “being yourself” got you anything else than catastrophe? Think hard about it. Bring up all your previous fails. Even the really recent ones. Yeah, that’s right, my boy. You better start working on your Sean Connery impressions. Shaken not Stirred! You freaking idiot!

You’re in the wrong movie altogether. You’re Napoleon Dynamite and you need to cocoon up and butterfly out as Ryan Gosling. And practicing the right dance move won’t cut it either.

But you have to stop typing this and go do ten hard push-ups... and maybe grow some extra hair on that balding patch.

Good luck to you. 


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