Friday, September 30, 2011

An essential introduction to Bullshitarian (with a selection of useful sentences commonly used by Bullshitters all around the world)

I was in Paris eating veal brain at a lovely restaurant with my adorable friend A. The brain was whitish and gelatinous and served on a bed of carrots, onions and boiled potatoes and really made me feel like I was Doctor Frankenstein about to transplant with a fork and knife and plenty of garlic. 

My friend was telling me about her last misadventures in dating guys. The funny thing is that I had a very similar meeting just a day earlier with another friend of mine lamenting on the uselessness of all men.

The main problem with both of them, I believed, was that they lacked the proper tools to handle boys-girls communication. While we can easily translate Swahili into Albanian online, there’s still no Google Translate tool sophisticated enough to help girls get boys talk.

I think Google should start working on it. Like, its translation engine should immediately detect guys’ bullshit and translate it in plain English for better inter-gender understanding.

To help Google team of linguists, I list here a few obvious suggestions.

“I’m just out of a very emotional relationship” = “You were just a one night stand. I was using you.”
“I’ve got to work now.” = “We just had sex. I’m not aroused by you anymore. I don’t want to cuddle.”
“Sorry, I’m ticklish.” = “I’m not physically attracted to you. Don’t touch me.”
“Should we split the bill?” = "I could be spending this money on a better looking girl.”
“I’ll phone you.” = “I will not phone you.”
“I’m a quiet guy” = “I will not phone you.”
“I’m so busy.” = “I will not phone you.”
"You're really important in my life right now." = "Though I don't love you and you realized it, I don't want you to leave because you're providing me with perfectly fine free sex."
"No, I don't feel like going out tonight." = "Sure, I want to have sex with you tonight but I don't want to spend money on another restaurant bill for it."
“Your friend X is really nice.” = “I would rather date your friend X.”
“We need to talk.” = “I think I just gave you an STD.”
“The spark is gone.” = “I'm going to cheat on my girlfriend/wife with you tonight.”
“It was great.” = “How soon can I leave without upsetting you?”
“I’m not ready for a relationship” = “This was a booty call. Get real.”
“Yeah, me too, babe.” = “I don’t love you and please stop telling me that you love me. That's annoying.”

Otherwise, the best wine to go with brain is a dry white Muscadet.