I was in
Paris eating veal brain at a lovely restaurant with my adorable friend A. The brain was whitish and gelatinous and served on a bed of carrots, onions and boiled potatoes and really made me feel like I was Doctor Frankenstein about to transplant with a fork and knife and plenty of garlic.
My friend was telling me about her last misadventures in dating guys. The funny thing is that I had a very similar meeting just a day earlier with another friend of mine lamenting on the uselessness of all men.
The main problem with both of them, I believed, was that they lacked the proper tools to handle boys-girls communication. While we can easily translate Swahili into Albanian online, there’s still no Google Translate tool sophisticated enough to help girls get boys talk.
I think Google should start working on it. Like, its translation engine should immediately detect guys’ bullshit and translate it in plain English for better inter-gender understanding.
To help Google team of linguists, I list here a few obvious suggestions.
“I’m just out of a very emotional relationship” = “You’re just a one night stand.”
“I’ve got to work now.” = “We just had sex. I’m not aroused by you anymore. I don’t want to cuddle.”
“Sorry, I’m tickly.” = “I’m not physically attracted to you. Don’t touch me.”
“Should we split the bill?” = “When I think I could be spending this money on a better looking girl.”
“I’ll phone you.” = “I will not phone you.”
“I’m a very quiet guy” = “I will not phone you.”
“I’m very busy.” = “I will not phone you.”
“Your friend X is really nice.” = “I would rather be with your friend X.”
“Let’s keep it adventurous.” = “I think I just gave you genital herpes.”
“There’s no spark left between Sarah and
I.” = “I will never leave Sarah for someone like you.”
“It was great.” = “how soon can I leave without upsetting you?”
“I’m not ready for a new relationship” = “there’s no way you’re moving in my apartment.”
“Yeah, me too.” = “I don’t love you.”
Otherwise, the best wine to go with brain is a dry white Muscadet.
