Monday, November 4, 2013

5 reasons why being single rocks (a nearly unisex list)




Here are 5 good reasons to stay (or become) single (again).

1. You are safer

Being in a serious relationship is dangerous. Emotionally and Physically. People in serious relationships throw things at each other (true story!), coffee cups, bottles, sharp objects. And that’s just because you didn’t put down the toilet seat. They yell at each other too, all the time. They say things that are so passive aggressive they cut through skin, flesh and bones. Being single, every potential partner is ultra nice to you. Especially on the first dates. They laugh at every word you say, even if you didn’t mean to be funny. They say only good things about you, like they love the color of your sofa or adored your paella. And if they go all Jason Voorhees on you - or just yell at you -, it’s perfectly alright to throw them out or have the police remove them without having to split up your book collection or negotiate the cat custody. 


2. You are fitter.


If you’re single, you can’t let yourself go. That's counterproductive. You have to keep fit. You have to train hard and date easy. You always keep in mind that at some point in the evening, you will have to take off that "Frankenstein" t-shirt and show to a perfect stranger that in fact you look like the Blob. People in serious relationships just don't give a shit anymore and get a second serving of everything. The longer the relationship, the harder they work at that open buffet. Why wouldn’t they? They don’t need to seduce anybody anymore. And they already know that under those t-shirts they hide pinkish rippling goo.


3. You have more friends.


Don’t fool yourself. She hates your friends. When you’re still single, and you just started dating, she will agree that your best mate Bob is really funny. That’s code for “Bob is a chauvinistic jerk!” And as soon as you will chain yourself into a serious relationship, Bob’s gone. And if you have any friends from the other team, oh man, forget about those. Even sweet old Peggy you know since kindergarten. You’ll have to secretly phone her from the basement, hiding behind the boiler just to tell her you can’t go to her mother’s funeral because your new girlfriend thinks she is just another whore using her dead mother as an excuse to snatch her man!


4. You have more energy. 

Real vampirism is not about blood. Long term relationships suck the life out of people. There is so much energy lost in compromising, avoiding the next fight, trying to understand why she will be yelling at you the second you set a foot inside your own house. Imagine you were single again! All that time dreading going back home could be used so much more efficiently! And why go home at all!? You could spend the night out at the pub with Peggy. Remembering her late mother while working on those J├Ągermeister shots. And you wouldn’t find your clothes packed up in a trash bag waiting for you on the lawn. No more doghouse. No more guilt trip. And the world would be your oyster!


5. You fart better.


Do I really need to explain that one? Farting is best enjoyed when there’s no one ruining the experience by reminding you that you are a disgusting pig. There's a downside, though. What’s the point pushing out a Fart-o-zilla when there’s no one around to time it and call it an achievement.  Though, my daughters are excellent experts at this sport, and they always cheer and applaud a nice one.  


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