Sunday, November 10, 2013

“You’re going to have to open up your mind before I tell you a few things about Jackie,” he says, squeezing himself on the bench opposite me, his stomach and Hawaiian shirt rubbing against the table. I open my bottle with my back teeth. He smiles at the trick, so I snatch his and open it in the same fashion.
“I’m pretty opened minded,” I say, giving him his ginger ale.
“Sure,” he nods, like he gets me, and says, “Your step mum is Jack the Ripper.”
I’m quite silent for a while. Even the flies got so surprised, they stopped buzzing.
“Maybe I’m not that opened minded,” I admit.
“There’s more.”
“Like what? She’s also the Loch Ness monster and the Hound of the Baskerville?”
“She comes from Outer space.”
Someone is supposed to laugh here somewhere. But he doesn’t. He just stares at me blankly like it was all obvious in his head, like the prize of milk.

A teen realizes that his evil stepmom is a creature from another world eating, digesting and replicating his entire family.

Free tonight on amazon. Conversations with a madman. Perfect short for those who think Ed Wood got it right

I want a love like Gomez and Morticia

My initial dream was so 80s. I wanted to be the class clown for a while, dress weird - mainly in black -, paint my eyes and nails, and then, go out there into the world and meet a monster that would have loved me and that I would have loved back. 

We would have exchanged blood, snakes, scratches and bites. She would have called me her favorite abomination. I would have called her my worst nightmare and I would have totally French kissed her under a full moon.

We would have got married in a crypt somewhere in Paris on Halloween surrounded by horrendous goons - and then, we would have walked the streets to find an abandoned Manor where to live together until flesh rotted off our bones.

Oh. And also, we would have procreated.

We would have bred a flock of abnormalities that we would have named and loved no matter how many legs they had. I wanted at least two girls and a Cyclops. We would have been this super sexy dark couple totally into each other after three kids and many decades, thinking of nothing better than meeting each other again the second we would have raised from our coffins.

I would have spent my days in my silk pajamas writing books nobody really wanted to read, and at night, we would have gone out together looking for new victims to murder and then hook up to dry in the attic - and life would have been a permanent pumpkin. 

I didn’t realize the new millennium would be a loveless place where horror morphed into torture porn overnight.

Love went out of fashion the second they hooked up the first Wi-Fi hotspots. 

Frankenstein is still looking for a bride, most of the time – but his bride is not looking for a serious relationship anymore. She’s just been electrified into existence, and immediately got herself a smartphone, went on Facebook and told her creator she wants to play the field and focus on her career before “getting all tied up with stuff”. She is currently heading to a club where she’s been told she could get wasted and hook-up with other random creatures who promised to slice her good. 

Sexiness has become a single night concept. No more Manors. No more kids. No more witty dialogues. And Uncle Fester has been accused of raping Thing and posting the video on YouTube.

Morticia wants a divorce and she wants to sleep with her divorce lawyer while his sexy assistant watches. Gomez spends too much time on to see if there’s someone out there with a full sleeve of tattoos that would tango better.

But my dream is not entirely lost. I’m still spending my days in my silk pajamas writing books nobody really wants to read – and at night after too much red wine for dinner, I hang out my window howling at the moon, wishing there was someone with me to go out there looking for more victims.

Monday, November 4, 2013

5 reasons why being single rocks (a nearly unisex list)

Here are 5 good reasons to stay (or become) single (again).

1. You are safer

Being in a serious relationship is dangerous. Emotionally and Physically. People in serious relationships throw things at each other (true story!), coffee cups, bottles, sharp objects. And that’s just because you didn’t put down the toilet seat. They yell at each other too, all the time. They say things that are so passive aggressive they cut through skin, flesh and bones. Being single, every potential partner is ultra nice to you. Especially on the first dates. They laugh at every word you say, even if you didn’t mean to be funny. They say only good things about you, like they love the color of your sofa or adored your paella. And if they go all Jason Voorhees on you - or just yell at you -, it’s perfectly alright to throw them out or have the police remove them without having to split up your book collection or negotiate the cat custody. 

2. You are fitter.

If you’re single, you can’t let yourself go. That's counterproductive. You have to keep fit. You have to train hard and date easy. You always keep in mind that at some point in the evening, you will have to take off that "Frankenstein" t-shirt and show to a perfect stranger that in fact you look like the Blob. People in serious relationships just don't give a shit anymore and get a second serving of everything. The longer the relationship, the harder they work at that open buffet. Why wouldn’t they? They don’t need to seduce anybody anymore. And they already know that under those t-shirts they hide pinkish rippling goo.

3. You have more friends.

Don’t fool yourself. She hates your friends. When you’re still single, and you just started dating, she will agree that your best mate Bob is really funny. That’s code for “Bob is a chauvinistic jerk!” And as soon as you will chain yourself into a serious relationship, Bob’s gone. And if you have any friends from the other team, oh man, forget about those. Even sweet old Peggy you know since kindergarten. You’ll have to secretly phone her from the basement, hiding behind the boiler just to tell her you can’t go to her mother’s funeral because your new girlfriend thinks she is just another whore using her dead mother as an excuse to snatch her man!

4. You have more energy. 

Real vampirism is not about blood. Long term relationships suck the life out of people. There is so much energy lost in compromising, avoiding the next fight, trying to understand why she will be yelling at you the second you set a foot inside your own house. Imagine you were single again! All that time dreading going back home could be used so much more efficiently! And why go home at all!? You could spend the night out at the pub with Peggy. Remembering her late mother while working on those J├Ągermeister shots. And you wouldn’t find your clothes packed up in a trash bag waiting for you on the lawn. No more doghouse. No more guilt trip. And the world would be your oyster!

5. You fart better.

Do I really need to explain that one? Farting is best enjoyed when there’s no one ruining the experience by reminding you that you are a disgusting pig. There's a downside, though. What’s the point pushing out a Fart-o-zilla when there’s no one around to time it and call it an achievement.  Though, my daughters are excellent experts at this sport, and they always cheer and applaud a nice one.